Captain’s Log, Parenthood Date: 1659

The mornings are the bleakest. Today especially, the tiny natives have punished me for the grave crime of not being my Co-Captain. It is barely 0900 hours, and I have been kicked, flailed upon, and made to suffer the piercing cry of the Loch Mess Monster. He is the most attached to the Co-Captain, though the Chunkacabra rivals his affection in many ways. My only reprieve is that Sassquatch has not yet awoken. She seems more attached to sleep than to any human, which is both a blessing and a curse. Her slumber is peaceful, but there is often violence when she is made to abandon it. I fear what might happen when she wakes.