The Tiny Natives

We have learned precious little about the native inhabitants of this island. They become more baffling by the day, though some things are clear. Below is a record of the information we have gained thus far.


Name: Sassquatch
Height: 42.5 inches
Weight: 41 pounds

Diet: Sassquatch is a true omnivore, eating all manner of foods. Though she regularly consumes meat, vegetables, and grains, she seems to be particularly drawn to gummy worms.

Appearance/Behavior: A luxurious mane of hair acts as the Sassquatch’s most outstanding feature. We cannot be sure, but we believe this is how she tricks her prey into drawing near enough to strike. While it is both beautiful and disarming, visitors are advised not to approach. Sassquatch uses her tongue as a weapon, and can deliver a painful lashing from up to a fifty-foot distance. Be aware.


Name: Loch Mess Monster (aka “Messy”)
Height: 35 inches
Weight: 35 pounds

Diet: Messy refuses every type of food, appearing to survive only on light, air, and the frustrations of others.

Appearance/Behavior: The Loch Mess Monster is difficult to describe, as he is usually seen only in blurs as he races around the island. Oftentimes the only evidence of his presence is the destruction he leaves in his wake. He is amphibious, and has been spotted splashing in muddy puddles, bathtubs, and forgotten cups of water. His greatest defense against predators is his saliva, which he sprays at both offender and passerby. Visitors are advised to wear parkas.


Name: Chunkacabra
Height: 29 inches
Weight: 19 pounds.

Diet: Chunkacabra requires human milk sacrifices every few hours, though she has begun to show interest in other foods, such as avocado, chicken, and old crumbs she finds on the floor.

Appearance/Behavior: The Chunkacabra is slow moving, her main form of locomotion surprisingly inefficient. Though she is, by all appearances, quadrupedal, she shuns the idea of moving on all fours, instead preferring to lie on her back and propel herself in a fashion that can only be described as “reverse inchworm.” She is largely defenseless, though her round face, large eyes, and two-toothed smile deter predators. We suspect she will evolve, and may become even more dangerous than the rest of the natives. Proceed with caution.